Handling those Special Days: Difficult Days

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, Mothers' or Fathers' Day.... any special remembrance... can be particularly difficult.  Of course.  No doubt.  I don't dispute that.  What I offer here, instead, is an alternative, a questioning... perhaps a different perspective which might offer some solace, some light during those times.

I'm choosing this topic as my very first post for two reasons:  

• First, yesterday was Mothers' Day and for many, this is often such a difficult holiday.  It's a day many feel sad and miss their moms, long for them, think about their passing and grieve in remembrance of earlier times.  

• Second,  I know this is common......   On the anniversary of a loss, or a lost one's birthday, or at the calendar marking of uniquely personal memories, so many feel simply awful.  I've heard so often,  "Today's a horrible day for me.... it would have been my (dead) brother's birthday".   "Today is my wedding anniversary", even though you're divorced or widowed.  The feelings come up, take over and the day.... maybe even several days, a week, or a whole holiday season.... are clouded with us feeling just dreadful. 

So, then, the question is how to best manage those difficult days....

I'd be the last to tell you that there is anything wrong with what you're feeling because there is not. Your feelings are completely normal and natural.   You don't need to justify or defend your sadness, your regrets or any of that bittersweet melancholy.

On the other hand, I'd like to encourage you to perhaps reconsider your mindset a bit.   Imagine, for example, re-focusing your thoughts on something other than those that make you sad.... like the good times... or even the bad ones, for that matter.....   Allow yourself to not feel overwhelmed and at the mercy of the thoughts that are making you feel so miserable.  Easy for me to say, I know....   But imagine this is possible, wouldn't you really want to feel better?  You can choose to refocus your thoughts.  Really.

An example....  only one example.... Remember the good times and allow those happy feelings to come to the surface.  Or, perhaps you might spend the day celebrating the memory of your loved one and what they meant to you.  Honor them by doing something that might have been meaningful to them, or you, or both of you.

Revel in the great mother you've become on Mother's Day!  Celebrate the great father you are on Father's Day!  Acknowledge with gratitude everything you've gained from the relationship that is no more.  It's a great way of honoring those who've passed.

A brief story....

My father was a man who would offer help to anyone who asked for or needed it.  Without exception, anyone.  This is who he taught me to be.  His kindness and care for others were exemplary and, although he died when I was very young, his example of how to lead a good, caring and honorable life had a major impact on how I've tried to live.  

One day my sons and I were driving in rush hour traffic past a field not far from home.  I noticed on the side of the road, along the field, a man in his 20s was sitting on the grass with his bike laying next to him.  My immediate thought was that he might be injured and in need of assistance.  I slowed down, lowered my window and inquired if he was hurt or needed help.

It turned out the young man was fine, but my teenaged son was confused about my behavior.  Why, he wanted to know, of all the people driving past that guy, did I have to be the one to stop?  "Simple," I explained, "because that's who we are.  That's who we come from and that's what we do."   

The nearness of my father was palpable in those moments for me.   It's how I honor him, the man he was, the lessons he taught me and the relationship we had.  

To me, that is a far more hefty, more tangible, more meaningful way for me to remember him then being miserable on his birthday.  He lives for me, instead, in the reflections of his memory in the way I live.

Think about it.... 

Our loved ones are close to us in how we remember them.  The way you cook like your mother, or tell a joke like your grandfather, or have a passion for certain types of music because of your husband..... 

And so much more....   Wondering what others think????

These memories are yours forever.  The good, the bad, all of them.  They're yours..... 

Use them to your own best happiness!

Namaste and Blessings.

Sincerely, Hannah

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I came across this poem yesterday which I wanted to share:  

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die. 

Mary Elizabeth Frye